The Psych Ward
by rochelledulac
Summary: A failed suicide attempt lands Bella in the hospital mental health unit. Her only option: pull her life back together or become a permanent resident. Very heavy, mature themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: This is a dark, heavy story. It gets ugly. I'm not promising any storybook endings. If you want happy fluff, read _Finding Rose_.**

**Characters aren't mine, but the story very much is.**

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I opened my eyes and saw a white ceiling and blurry fluorescent lights. My vision was clouded, I had a pounding headache, and it felt like the room was spinning. My stomach lurched, so I tried to sit up, but my arms were bound to the bed. I turned my head, narrowly avoiding the unpleasant experience of vomiting on myself. I choked and sputtered on the black contents of my stomach, unable to comprehend the cause of the unusual color. My eyes watered from the force of my upchucking, but I couldn't wipe them. I started jerking my arms against the restraints, trying to get the attention of my captors. I tried yelling but my voice only came out as a mewl. My throat was on fire and my breathing was ragged. Finally, I could hear someone coming.

"Pipe down. You're only going to make things worse by fighting." The man sounded stern, and he definitely had an advantage over me, so I stop flailing. I heard an intercom click.

"Clean up in room 213, please."

I still couldn't see who this man was. I struggled to wipe my eyes on my shoulder, on anything, to lift the blindness. The man must have seen my futile attempts; he took a washcloth and started cleaning my face. I was grateful for this simple comfort. I couldn't remember the last time someone had taken care of me. Then again, I couldn't remember much at all, just pain, then darkness.

"Do you remember what happened?" The man had finished cleaning me off and I got a good look at his face. Honey-gold hair, mid forties, blue eyes, handsome but nothing to write home about.

My throat was still too sore to answer his question, so I shook my head slowly. The room was still spinning and my brain threatened to push my eyes out of their sockets. I wanted to take a drill to my skull to relieve the pressure, but I doubted this guy would lend me one.

"Well, Ms. Swan, you're in The Pavilion in Seattle and I'm your doctor, Carlisle Cullen. You were airlifted here from your house in Forks, where your father found you, lying on the floor of the bathroom. Do you remember how many pills you took?" I shook my head again. "Your dad said you just refilled your Xanax, so you had sixty pills in there, and on top of that, you downed a bottle of codeine cough syrup. Honestly, I have no idea how you survived. They pumped your stomach during the flight and pushed charcoal, but you were clinically dead twice before arriving at the hospital. You stayed in the hospital for 24 hours, then you came here." As he spoke, the memories started coming back to me. I wasn't ready to deal with them yet, so I blocked it all out.

I tried to ask him where my father was, but I just rasped for breath instead. Dr. Cullen patted my arm reassuringly.

"Just try to rest. I'll get you a pad of paper and a marker. You won't be able to talk well for a day or two, but that's part of dying I guess. Coming back to life is a bitch!" He chuckled as he left the room. I kind of dug his sick sense of humor; I've never known a psych doc to be so loose around patients before.

Some poor schmuck came in with a mop and bucket came in to clean up the sick on the floor. I blushed, embarrassed that this guy had to deal with my mess. That was the biggest reason I chose pills instead of one of the dozens of guns I had access to; I didn't want anyone to have to deal with any more than they absolutely had to. I kicked myself for not going out back in the woods where I wouldn't be found so quickly. Dad wasn't supposed to be back for hours though, so there was no way to foresee him finding me like that. I knew I had to apologize to him. He was probably scared out of his mind the past few days, and it was all my fault. Such a fuck up.

Dr. Cullen came back with the paper as promised, but had a crayon instead of a pen or pencil.

"Here you go, hon. Now we can talk. Kind of." He unstrapped my arms so I could move freely. I took the crayon and started writing furiously.

_Where's my dad? Why the crayon?_ Those were my two most pressing questions.

"Your dad is staying in a hotel up the road from here." The second question made him laugh. "I gave you a crayon because suicide watch patients aren't allowed to have pointed objects. I couldn't find a marker, but the crayons were out." I scribbled out more questions.

_When can I leave? Do I get a shower?_

"You won't be leaving for quite a while, Ms. Swan. Even though you're over the age of 18, your father is your next of kin, and he has essentially committed you until we can get you to a good place again, mentally and emotionally. Once we do that, we'll unleash you on the unsuspecting public again." I laughed, making a noise that sounded like a dying seal. I don't know why it was so funny, but hey, I'm locked up in a looney bin. I may as well act looney.

"All right, calm down. I'm going to send a nurse in to help you shower. Once you're done with that, we'll see about getting you some food, kiddo." He patted my head. I gave him a half smile and wrote _Thanks_ on the notepad. He left me there, alone with my thoughts. Definitely the most scary place to be given the current circumstances.

I thought about the past few weeks, the days, I suppose I could say, leading to my death.

Two weeks prior, I quit my job as a paralegal, and left school and my long time boy friend. I couldn't handle the pressures of life, even with all the medication my doc put me on, so I dropped all of it so I could regroup. I came back to Forks to stay with my dad; he always had a place for me. I wandered around town for a few days. I took in the new things, like the mainstream pharmacy they built across the street from the now-closed mom and pop one that had been around as long as anyone could remember. Other than that, the town seemed frozen in time.

I had taken a side street that I usually avoided when I was younger and found the only bar in Forks. I hadn't been old enough to drink when I left town, not that it stopped me from partaking at the occasional party, so I'd never seen the inside. I let my curiosity take the lead. It wasn't anything special, but I had a few guys buy me drinks. I came back the next night. And the night after that. And the one after that. I had never been much of a drinker, but I started knocking them back, anything anyone would buy me. More than once, I ended up at someone's house, completely tanked. When I woke up, I'd be dazed and hung over, so I would go home and take a couple Xanax to take the edge off. By the time those wore off, it would be time to go drinking with my "friends" again. What a way to live.

I couldn't quite pin down the last however many days though. Three? Whatever. I closed my eyes and waited for the nurse. Not much later, I heard footsteps in the room, so I peeked open one eye. A woman with light brown hair and a nurse's uniform on was bustling around the room. Good. It was time for my shower. I felt sweaty and dirty; I needed to rinse off if nothing else. The woman came over and gently rubbed my shoulder. I opened my eyes and smiled at her.

"Hi, sweetie. My name is Esme, I'm your nurse for today. Let's get you up, okay?" She removed the IV I didn't even notice I had. "There. Now slowly sit up." I did as I was told. She grabbed a plastic basin, just in case. Helping me to my feet, she supported my weight as we trudged to the bathroom. For such a tiny woman, she was surprisingly strong. I leaned against the sink, my legs threatening to give out on me, while Esme started the shower water for me by pushing a button. She removed my gown for me and I felt horribly exposed.

"Get used to it, honey. There's no such thing as privacy here." She smiled sympathetically. I sat down on the shower seat. The water suddenly shut off. I looked to Esme for an answer.

"It's so you don't drown in the shower if you pass out from medication or choking yourself. And the button is so you don't try to scald yourself. Safety first."

_Who the hell would try to do that_, I thought. Oh yeah. Me.

I was able to soap myself down pretty well and rinsed off by holding onto the chair. I skipped washing my hair because I didn't think I could do it in the three minutes the water stayed on. Even still, the few minutes the water _was_ on was enough to revitalize my body. By the time I was done, I didn't feel nearly as weak. Esme wrapped a small towel around me as I stepped out of the stall. She had put some clothes out for me, and I put them on before I froze to death. That thought made me snort.

I tried to tie the drawstring to my pants but it was missing. I rolled my eyes. Yes, wouldn't want people to hang themselves with their drawstrings. Esme shrugged.

"Sorry. That's just what happens when you try to off yourself. We try to make sure it doesn't happen again. Call it a weakness, but around here, we think people are pretty important." I couldn't help but smile. For a looney bin, this place was shaping up to be pretty cool. I had a lot of preconceptions of what the insides of a mental hospital would look like, but this wasn't one of them. The hospital bed fit with what I expected, yes, but the beautiful wooden desk at the end of the bed didn't. The walls with their light blue paint and white chair rail, the windows with a beautiful view of a courtyard, and the bathroom with the open stall and bowl sink were all quite out of the ordinary, at least from my limited knowledge of these places. If you ignored the fact that the windows had mesh in them and the whole push button shower thing, you could pretend it was a really weird hotel.

"Come on, get your slippers on, it's time to go talk to the doctors." She pointed to a pair of socks with non-skid rubber dots on the bottoms. _Are you fucking kidding me? _My thoughts must have displayed on my face. "I'm not joking. Put them on." I sat on the edge of the bed and slid the socks on my feet. They were actually quite soft, so I couldn't complain. Esme led me into the hallway. A burgundy carpet covered the floor and the walls were cream. There were doors every twenty feet or so, all opened and the rooms empty. Every bed was neatly made, but mine was the only hospital bed. I thought that was kind of weird before I remembered that I was passed out for days on end.

At the end of the hall was a wooden door with a big square window and cheap blinds. It looked out of place in the otherwise upscale unit. Esme opened the door for me. Dr. Cullen was sitting in an armless chair with two people I didn't recognize, and my father. Their conversation stopped when I entered, and Dr. Cullen stood, leading me to an empty chair between my dad and the blond woman in the lab coat. She smiled at me but I was uncomfortable in her presence; I had always been intimidated by other females near my age. She handed me a marker and pad of paper and I scowled at them. In a room full of doctors, I couldn't believe they didn't trust me with a pen. I immediately started doodling while Dr. Cullen was talking. He introduced the woman as Dr. Tanya Denali, a psychologist, and the man as Aro Volturi, the psychiatrist. I nodded at them politely and continued doodling. I noticed that Tanya kept glancing over at what I was drawing, then making notes in the notepad she had on her lap. I flipped my paper to the next page and paid attention to what Dr. Cullen was saying.

"Now that you're here, Isabella, we're going to expect certain things from you. We have a list of rules you'll have to follow to show that you're ready to function on your own again. You'll have individual and group therapy every day that you'll be expected to attend. We have special activities that earn you extra points if you choose to participate. Aro will help you find the right medication, and Tanya will listen to anything you have to say. Or write."

I wrote my question.

_How long do I have to stay?_

"You stay until the three of us think you're ready. Not cured, but no longer a threat to yourself."

I sighed. That wasn't an answer.

_I'm not a threat to myself anymore. It was stupid. I'm sorry. _It was worth a shot.

Dr. Cullen laughed. "Nice try, kiddo, but you have to stay for at least 48 more hours. That's just part of it." It wasn't worth the shot after all.

My mind wandered while the docs talked to my father, going over policies and things I didn't give a shit about. My main concern was getting the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible. If it meant swallowing all the pills they wanted to give me and going to every minute of the pointless therapy sessions, I'd do it.

The powwow ended, everyone smiling and optimistic about my recovery. I smiled and nodded. That seemed to be the right thing to do, because my dad gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me, something completely out of character for him. Our relationship was more of the non-verbal type. I knew what he meant most of the time, and he was completely oblivious to me. It worked. So for him to actually touch me... _Bizarre. _

We all walked down to a large room where other people, _Crazies?, _were congregated. Esme pulled out a chair so I curled up in it. My father waved to me as he walked with Dr. Cullen and down the hall. I sighed, then took a look at the people around me. To my left was a small girl, maybe 19, with spiky pink hair and a wide smile. Cute, but a tad creepy. Next to her was a monstrous man who was both intimidating and incredibly hot, with his soft brown curls and broad shoulders. He looked like the American dream man His feet were propped up on the coffee table that was in the middle of the small circle of chairs, and he was talking to the blonde to my right. She was stunning, perfectly proportioned and and It Girl. I looked up at her and she raised an eyebrow at me, not missing a beat in her conversation with Captain America. I hugged my knees tighter, looking away. My eyes traveled directly across the room.

_Oh. My. God._

The most gorgeous man I had ever seen sat in a folding chair, arms crossed, and looking pissed and absolutely fuckable. He wore a long sleeved black shirt and pajama pants with Elmo printed all over them in various poses. I smiled at the odd contradiction between pants and attitude. Looking back to his face, I saw that he was staring at me, brow furrowed, almost like he was analyzing me. When our eyes met, he gave me a crooked little half smile, his green eyes smoldering. He was absolutely perfect. _So what the hell is he doing here? _I hoped my voice would come back quickly. I couldn't stand not knowing who these people were, especially Mr. Smokey Eyes. He leaned over, uncrossing his arms and putting his elbows on his knees. He was just about to ask me something when Dr. Denali came in, closing the door behind her.

"Sorry I'm running behind, everyone! It's very rude of me to disrespect your time that way." She seemed truly apologetic.

"It's all good, baby," Captain America said. He smiled broadly at her. Crazy House Barbie glared at him, jealous of the attention he gave the doctor.

"Thank you, deary." Dr. Denali sat in the biggest chair and put her papers on the coffee table, pushing Emmett's feet out of her way. "We have a new person with us today, so why don't we go around the circle and introduce ourselves." The room grumbled with the exception of Pinkerbelle; she was about to fly out of her chair with excitement at any minute. _That girl is wound too tight. _

"I'll go first!" As I thought, Pinkerbelle hopped up and volunteered. "My name is Alice, I'm 22, and I have ADD and have episodes of severe mania. Like now, which is why I'm here." She grinned, bowed, and sat back down, bouncing her leg to a beat in her head. Dr. Denali signed for Captain America to go.

"My name is Emmett. I'm 26, and I'm here for 'anger management issues'." He used air quotes and rolled his eyes.

"Emmett, you had a psychotic break and beat the shit out of a guy because you thought he hit his girlfriend." Dr. Denali was not impressed with his translation of events. Emmett threw his hands in the air dramatically, causing everyone in the group to chuckle. Now it was Mr. Hotty's turn.

"I'm Edward. I'm 24 and bipolar. I'm here because my _father _is _worried _about me." His frown was back. The way his nose crinkled was adorable. He looked over at Dr. Denali and rolled his eyes when he saw she was taking notes.

Crazy House Barbie took her turn.

"I'm Rosalie. I'm 25 and here for post traumatic stress disorder." That came as a surprise to me. She certainly didn't look like the type of person to take anything from anyone. I wondered what skeletons hid in her closet.

"Isabella, do you want me to introduce you?" Dr. Denali asked. I wrote what I wanted her to say and handed it to her. She looked at it and then back to me. "Really? _Really?_" I blinked at her innocently. "Okay then. 'My name is Bella and I don't know why I'm here.' You're not getting off to a very good start here, Bella. I'll give you a pass though since this is our first session."

"Where did Jasper go, Tanya?" Alice asked.

"He had another setback so he chose to stay in his room this afternoon. Shall we begin?"

She asked how everyone was feeling. Alice felt her medication was starting to kick in because she was toning down. I found that hard to believe. Rosalie said that her nightmares were getting worse; Tanya told her that she would talk to Aro about getting her a sleeping pill. Emmett confessed to feeling great. He said he felt kind of bad for everything that happened, but he would feel worse if it was really a case of abuse and he had done nothing. Rose looked at him adoringly. It was sweet, and reminded me of the way I used to look at Jacob.

_Jacob!_

I was slumped next to a toilet, head resting on the bowl. Orange light shone through the small rectangle above the shower stall; it was early in the day. Or night. I wasn't quite sure anymore. Someone knocked on the door. I mumbled something as I shakily got to my feet. The knocking came again. I stood over the sink and splashed water on my face. I looked up at the mirror and didn't recognize the face that stared back at me. The eyes were blood-shot, lids heavy and black. Skin hung onto the hollow cheekbones. The hair was greasy and unkempt. This couldn't be me. I cupped some water and put it in my mouth, swishing it around to get the taste of sick out. I spat the water back into the sink. I stumbled to the door. It was then that I realized that I didn't know where I was. It didn't really surprise me; I had been doing that a lot lately. I yanked the door open to find that the person banging on it was Jacob.

"Jesus, Jake, what the hell are you doing here?" I tried to get past him but he put his arms on both sides of the door, blocking my way.

"I was going to ask you the same thing, Bells. Did you drive here?" He was pissed. I took a closer look at my surroundings and it clicked. I was back home. Well, it wasn't home anymore. It was Jake's now. I left him with everything when I went back to Forks, including the ridiculous rent payment.

"It doesn't matter. Just let me go home. I won't bother you again."

"What's wrong with you, Bella? What happened? You've lost it."

"Nothing's wrong. I've just been hanging out. Mind your own business and let me go. I'm not your fucking child."

"Have you _seen _yourself Bella? Really looked at yourself? You look like shit! It's amazing how fast you've destroyed yourself."

"Leave me alone!" I shoved him as hard as I could, but I was weak and hung over, so all I did was fall against him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me to his chest. I resisted, but only for a moment. He ran his hand over my hair, shushing me. I gave in and cried into his chest. He scooped me up and carried me to our,_ no_, _his_ bed, laying me down gently. He stripped me down to my panties and slid the covers over me. Climbing into the bed behind me, he put his arm on mine. I pulled him closer, and he cradled me all night. I woke up often; nightmares plagued me. Every time I moved, he moved with me, whispering to me, calming me back to sleep.

Morning came quickly. The sun shone through the thin blinds above the bed and made me squint. Jacob was still snoring beside me, so I turned and snuggled into him. I was glad he made me stay overnight; I missed him. I traced the tattoo on his arm, a wolf totem. I had a matching one on my shoulder. It was an impulsive decision on my part, but I _knew _I would be with him forever. I sighed, reflecting on my naivety. My sigh was louder than I thought. Jacob stirred and opened his eyes. When he saw that I was still there, a smile spread across his face. He reached up and touched my face, running his thumb down my cheek. I ran my hand down his arm and held his hand against my cheek. The whole world seemed perfect; nothing could ruin that moment. I closed my eyes, taking everything in. The smell of the fresh sheets, the rough skin of his palm, the sound of our breathing getting heavier as it always did when we were this close, the hardness of his chest against my soft breasts...My hormones got the better of me. I hooked my leg over his, pulling our hips together. I felt his morning wood press against me, so I slowly moved along his length. Jacob groaned and buried his face in my neck, kissing his way up to just behind my ear. Once was there, he bit down, hard. Someone growled; I didn't know if it was me or him. Our hand roamed each others bodies as though it had been two years since we had been together, not just two weeks. I dug my nails into his back as he bit his way down my neck and body. His tongue flicked my already hardened nipples before he took them in his mouth one at a time. I arched my back, urging him to continue his journey. He looked up at me and gave my nip one last tug with his teeth, causing me to moan. Trailing kisses to my belly button, he paused to smile when he saw that I still had in the belly ring with a "J" hanging from it. He kissed it reverently. Moving on, he pulled at my panties, so I lifted my hips off the bed. He stripped off his boxers and knelt between my legs. My body ached with need, both physical and emotional, and I could only get release from the copper skinned god that hovered over me, waiting for my permission before he entered.

"I want you."

He thrust into me, his girth stretching me to the edge of pain and pleasure. I lifted my legs and wrapped them around his back, letting him penetrate deeper. He grunted his appreciation and I felt myself start to lose control. I needed him faster, harder, so I moaned my commands. He sat up on his knees, put my feet on his shoulders, and began to piston in and out of me as hard as he could. The pressure built up quickly at my core and I felt my body tense, gripping Jacob inside me. My eyes rolled back and I lost myself to my orgasm. Jacob grinned as he always did when I got mine, then slowed his pace so he could lay on top of me again. He put his weight on his elbows and kissed everything he could reach. His lips were soft and his kisses light while he made love to me. I breathed slowly, deeply, and felt another explosion building. Jacob began to twitch and jerk inside me, and I spurred him on so I could reach my second climax. He slid an arm under me to grip me tighter. With his mouth by my ear, we exploded together. As we came down from our endorphin high, he whispered to me.

"I love you, Bella. Always."

"Jake. I love you too." It wasn't a lie. I loved him with every fiber of my being.

"Stay with me. In our house."

"No, Jake. I can't. I need to go home. Please take me home."

"Fine. Get dressed."

I fingered the smelly, stained clothes he took off of me the night before and frowned. Without saying a word, Jacob pointed to the bottom drawer of the dresser we used to share. I pulled it open and saw it was full of my things that were left behind. I grabbed fresh clothes and went to the bathroom to clean up. When I was somewhat presentable, I gathered my things and walked into the kitchen. Jacob was sitting at the counter with his head in his hands. I felt a pang of guilt. I walked over and tried to wrap my arms around him but he pushed me away.

"Let's go." His eyes were pained and his voice was cold. The lack of emotion in his words hurt more than anything. This wasn't my Jake. I destroyed _my_ Jake. This Jake didn't love me; he just wanted me gone.

We made it to his car and he helped me in. I curled up in my seat, silent tears running down my cheeks. Jake sat in the driver's seat and slammed the door, making me jump. He didn't even turn his head to check on me. After starting the car, he buckled his seat belt.

"Put on your seat belt, Bella." His tone was sharp. Instead of doing as I was asked, I turned to look out the window.

"Bella. Put on. Your seat belt," he said through gritted teeth. I ignored him.

"_Put on the god damned seat belt, Bella!_" he shouted. Unable to hold back, I started crying harder, louder. Never in our relationship had he ever yelled at me. Jake reached across me, yanked the belt from above my shoulder, and slammed it into place. This wasn't my Jake.

_I ruined everything._

I fell asleep on the way home. Jake slammed the car into park and shut off the engine. I was glad to see that Charlie's car was gone; he was the last person I wanted to talk to on my long-distance walk of shame. He had been vocal in his feelings about my sudden interest in drinking myself sick, but he was powerless until I broke a law. So he sat and waited, watching me spiral down into this...person I had become.

Jake opened my door and walked me inside.

"Do you need anything else?"

"Just my truck," I said quietly.

"Fine. I'll have someone drop it off later."

"I love you, Jake."

"No, Bella. You can't love me right now. You don't even love yourself." He turned and walked out the door.

I dropped to the floor and started sobbing. My chest felt like it was going to explode from the pressure that had built up in it. I crawled up the stairs and to the bathroom. The anxiety medication the doctor in Seattle had given me was on the sink. I grabbed the bottle and searched for something to wash it down with. My cough syrup from the cold I had the previous month was under the sink.

In one mighty swallow, I downed every pill in that bottle. The cough syrup tasted good, so I took the rest of that too. I sat back and waited for the pain to stop. My mind began swirling with memories. The first time Jake kissed me, our camping trip in the mountains that nearly froze us to death, the time we ran off to Vancouver for a three day weekend when we were still in high school...

I heard my dad's voice.

"Jesus, Bella, what have you done? Jake, call an ambulance!"

Red lights flashed overhead, and someone dug knuckles into my chest.

"She's unresponsive. Get a lift, she's going to Seattle."

"Bells, I'm so sorry." Jake spoke softly. "I'll never leave you alone again. Please just wake up."

I suddenly burst into tears and started sobbing. They all stopped talking and stared at me. Rose slowly handed me a box of tissues and I accepted them, wiping the black-tinged snot from my nose. Alice reached over and rubbed my back gently. After I had gone through half a box of tissues, I was able to stop the tears. Emmett brought over a small trashcan and I dumped everything from my lap into it. I looked up to see Edward staring at me, looking concerned. I blushed as I realized that the entire therapy session had been stopped because of my emotional outburst, putting me in the spotlight..

"I think that's enough for today," Tanya announced. "Alice, Rose, will you two stay with Bella while I go grab some paperwork?"

"Of course!" Alice accepted her position as baby-sitter readily.

The men left the room, mumbling about getting snacks and coloring. Edward gave me one last concerned look before following the others out. A spark lit in me. It was something new; something I hadn't felt in a long time.

I was suddenly very glad I was stuck in here for the next 48 hours.

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**Sorry, my fellow Jake lovers; he absolutely got the shaft. Poor Jake.**

**Review me! Thanks!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Sorry so long for the update! Holidays and whatnot prevented me from writing :( I hope it's worth the wait!**

**I don't own the characters, but the story is mine.  
**

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I was 'allowed' to go back to my room to rest after the group therapy session so that I could rest, so Esme escorted me there. Between the pain in my body and the pain those memories brought back, I wanted to do nothing but sleep for a week. I doubted they'd 'let' me do that though. Probably against their policy to let patients sleep for more than eight hours and one minute at a time. I snorted, and Esme gave me a funny look. I shrugged and smiled a little, glad she couldn't read my thoughts.

She helped me get settled then showed me where the nurse-call buttons were. Patting me on the head, she turned off the light above my bed and left, leaving the door open. I closed my eyes in search of sleep but my mind was racing. I didn't know what the hell was going on, why I couldn't slow down and catch a thought. Finally I gave up and let my brain jump from thought to thought freely, with no pattern or purpose.

_What have I done to Jake? God, I'm so freaking hungry. I wonder what they serve for dinner here. That guy in therapy...What the hell was his name? Edward! What the hell was that about? They'd better let me out of here with good drugs. Assuming they can even fix whatever the hell's wrong with me._

That last thought scared me. Being broken was bad enough; being unfix-able would be worse. If no one could help me, I knew I'd be pissed. A knot began forming in my stomach, putting an incredible amount of pressure on my chest. It felt like a horse was stepping on my middle, pushing all the breath out of me. My breathing came faster and my heart pounded in my ears. With every exhale, the invisible horse pushed harder. I couldn't swallow; there was a lump the size of a grapefruit in my throat.

The pain was intense.

I started to cry. I cried as hard as I could, sobbing my seal-like sobs into my pillow, soaking it in tears and snot. I cried until I ran out of tears, then wrapped myself around the now-soaked pillow and waited for the sniveling and mini-sobs to fade. Closing my eyes, I tried to picture myself in a better place. Some place far away. Somewhere that wasn't a hospital. Jake's face popped into my fantasy, but I pushed him away. Seeing him there only made me feel worse. I wondered if he would come visit me, and slowly my fantasy was broken by thoughts of reality.

Someone touched my shoulder and made me jump. Alice was standing next to my bed, looking concerned.

"You were crying in your sleep. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm good." My voice was starting to come back. I sounded like someone who slammed whiskey and chain smoked for thirty years, but I'd take it.

Alice wasn't convinced that I was okay, but compared to how I felt before falling asleep, I felt like I could move mountains. Or at least get out of bed without help.

"If you say so." She sat down on the bed with me, dangling her legs over the edge. "So what's you real story? Who's Jake?"

"My boyfriend. I guess ex-boyfriend. I dunno anymore."

"Right. What about you? Why'd you do it?" She looked truly curious, and I felt obligated to answer her.

"I don't know. I just...did." My voice hitched; thinking about it made everything hurt.

"Oh. That's kind of weird." She stared off into space for a minute before coming back to Earth. "Anyway, I came in to tell you that it's time for breakfast if you're in the mood to eat."

Holy shit. Breakfast?

"How long did I sleep?"

"The better part of 24 hours. You didn't miss much, I promise. Let's get you dressed."

She hopped off the bed and rifled through the bag my dad brought to pick out the perfect going-to-breakfast-in-the-psych-ward outfit. She wrinkled her nose, clearly dissatisfied with her limited options. This little person amused me with her expressions, and she was really sweet. I was glad to have her there with me, even if she was just as bat-shit crazy as I was. A plain blue tee and my favorite yoga pants landed in my lap.

"There! I bet you'll look like a million bucks. At least half a million anyway. I only had so much to work with." She grinned, and I couldn't help but grin back. Being around her was like being around static electricity. Whether you want it to or not, the energy rubs off on you.

She told me to meet her in the common room as soon as I was done, then left me to get dressed. As I put the fresh clothes on and glanced in the mirror, I realized I still looked like hell. I didn't want anyone to see me like that again. Well, I didn't care what most people thought. I sure as hell didn't want Edward to see me looking like something that was scraped off the sidewalk though. I washed my face in the sink and tried to spruce myself up the best I could. I still didn't look like myself, but I was able to tidy up enough to be presentable.

As promised, Alice was waiting for me in the common room. She was passionately talking to a guy I didn't recognize. I felt kind of bad for him. He looked like a deer in headlights as Alice made her huge gestures and dramatic faces. I determined it must be the Jasper that wasn't in therapy. I stood in the doorway, watching her act out the last vacation she went on. Apparently she had gone to Disneyland and was very happy to tell anyone she could about it. Especially poor deer-in-headlights-guy.

Esme popped her head around me to announce that it was time to go to the dining hall. My stomach growled and I realized I was absolutely starving. I walked with the group down a long hallway to an elevator. The elevator was tiny, so we were all crammed in like sardines. Rose and Emmett didn't seem to mind at all. She was pressed against him with her back to his chest, trying not to smile. He, on the other hand, stood with a huge grin plastered on his face. I found myself glad that I couldn't see what their hands were doing. I was stuffed between Alice and Jasper. Alice was talking a mile a minute even though no one was really listening. Suddenly, I noticed that Edward was missing, and I was disappointed. All dolled up and no one to show off for.

We all piled out of the elevator and Esme lead the way around the corner. A sizable cafeteria came into view. A buffet table loaded down with breakfast foods of every variety was set up on the far wall. Everyone else knew what to do, so I followed their lead. I chose a blueberry muffin and a carton of skim milk, then wandered over to sit with Alice. The milk felt amazing on my throat and the muffin tasted like the best thing I had ever eaten. I was tempted to go back for more but didn't want to push my luck. My stomach still felt a little off and I didn't want to throw up again.

Before long, we were finished. I threw out my trash and waited to see what was next on our agenda. Esme opened up the door to a little fenced-in courtyard and announced that it was time for fresh air. I frowned, but went outside with the group. I found a bench and parked myself on it, crossing my arms and sighing. Then I looked up.

There he was. Edward, the sullen and withdrawn hottie from group therapy, was out laughing and passing a football around with Emmett and Rose. A short sleeved shirt clung to his chest, outlining his pecs beautifully. His hair was wild, sticking up in every direction and looking an awful lot like sex-hair. Peeking out from his sleeves I saw splashes of color in tattoo form wrapping around his biceps. I wondered briefly if I could go over and rip his shirt off then fuck him silly, claiming that it was my psychosis that drove me to do it, but I didn't think I could pull it off.

He moved lithely, like some sort of unnamed animal, and he had the most brilliant smile...

"If you stare any harder, you'll set him on fire." Alice plopped next to me, smile as wide as the Cheshire Cat's and eyes knowing exactly what I was thinking.

"I'm just staring into space, not at anyone in particular," I lied hoarsely. My face flushed though, betraying my true actions. Alice just laughed at me.

"Right, me too." She winked and giggled. She was absolutely adorable.

"What's his story?" I asked, since my cover was blown anyway.

"I don't really know. He keeps to himself. This is really the only time he ever does anything. Most of the time he just sits and glares at everyone." She was still smiling. I doubted she could stop herself even if she wanted to.

A chime sounded; our outside adventures had come to their end. The guys put away the football and we all lined up at the door, just like in preschool. We marched back to the elevator and rode up to our floor. Rosalie pushed open the door to the common room and we filed in, each picking out a comfy spot to call our own. The oversized bean bags on the floor were a popular choice. I waited until everyone else was done before I snagged one for myself, sinking into it and enjoying the cradled feeling. Someone dropped in the seat next to me and I looked over to see who it was.

Edward.

The way he cocked his head and smiled at me gave me butterflies. He was perfect, even with his crooked little smile and crazy hair. Perfect.

_Even more perfect than Jake? _A voice inside my head implored.

I shut it out. I didn't want to think about Jake or me and Jake or that entire screwed up relationship. All of that was on the outside of this building. On the inside, I had something new. Yes, it was only a school girl crush at the moment, but it was still better than facing real life. And with the way he kept looking at me, I was pretty sure he felt the same way.

Some part of me was engaged in the conversation we all were having; something about swimming was all I really heard. The rest of me was trying to figure out how to get Edward alone. I was staring at the floor, lost in thought, when I heard my name. I snapped out of my fantasy and looked around.

Jake stood in the hall. He looked uncomfortable and nervous, and I couldn't blame him. My cheeks burned as hot tears began to roll down my face. Shakily, I stood and walked towards him, not sure what to expect. I wanted to say a million things, 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' being at the top of the list, but I couldn't get words past the lump in my throat. He must have seen me struggling because he reached out, arms wide. I whimpered as I fell into his chest.

We were taken to a visitation room so we could have privacy. Once there, I collapsed on the couch and started crying uncontrollably. Jake pulled me onto his lap, holding me close and whispering into my neck.

"God, Jake, I'm so sorry." My tears slowed enough for me to see him clearly. His eyes were red, no doubt my fault for making him cry. I searched them for any sign of anger and was relieved to find none.

"I'm sorry too. Especially for what I have to do." He looked pained. Obviously what he was about to say would hurt us both. I wanted to stop him but I couldn't find my voice. My eyes pleaded with him, _Please, not this. Anything but this._ He looked away. "Bella, I don't think we should keep seeing each other right now. You're sick; you need help that I can't give you." His voice cracked and I felt him take in a deep breath.

I was stunned. Granted, I should have seen it coming after our blowout at the apartment, but I thought that being here changed that somehow. Why would he do this, now of all times? How could he choose this moment to decide that he didn't love me enough to be with me? My mind swirled with questions and curses. I felt completely hollow, like he had taken a melon-baller and scooped out my soul, scraping my insides until I was a shell of a person.

All these things I wanted to say, to ask. All I was able to say was:

"Just go."

I stared out the window. He sighed heavily but left without another word. Just like that. No fight, nothing. He walked out, leaving me to cry on the couch alone. My throat tightened, but I waited until I no longer heard his heavy footsteps before I broke down into a blubbering mess. The entire world was crumbling around me and I was powerless to stop it.

Esme came in the room to check on me. I grabbed a box of tissues and tried to regain my composure while she assured me that everything would be okay. I knew she was wrong though. Nothing would ever be the same. I wanted to go back to the life I had before coming here, _my _life. This couldn't be real. It didn't feel real. It was all one ugly nightmare, and I was going to wake up in my bed, next to Jake, any minute.

But I didn't.

Esme led me back into the common room where I sat in my bean bag and seethed. I wanted out of there, as fast as humanly possible. I thought that there might still be time to fix things. This shit storm sucked, but I could survive if I got out.

Dr. Cullen came to get me so that we could 'talk'. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to sit and pout, wallowing in my own misery. But like everyone seemed to say, you can't get out of this place without cooperating, so I silently joined him in his office. He asked how I was feeling, if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or anyone else. I shook my head no and stared at the pictures on his desk. There was a wedding photo; he and Esme stood on a rocky beach, looking blissful and completely in love, almost like they didn't even realize they were being photographed. There was a picture of a little boy, maybe five or six, wearing a too-big baseball cap. I recognized his eyes; they were unmistakably Edward's. He made for a very cute kid.

"Bella? Did you hear me?" Dr. Cullen asked. I looked up at him sheepishly. I honestly had no idea what he just asked.

"I asked if you were hearing voices. I'll take your frown as a no." He smiled the same crooked smile I had seen on his son. They were a handsome group, I'd give them that.

"When can I leave?" I was tired of his questions and wanted to get straight to the point.

"That depends on you. Are you ready to put for the effort to get your life in order? Because if not, I can keep you here as long as I need to."

"I'll do what it takes."

"Excellent! Let's get started then. Aro and I spoke earlier about what medications he thinks you should try. We'll start you on a low dose of Abilify and go from there. Even if we do let you out, you'll need to keep up with your appointments and take your medication regularly, preferably at the same time each day."

"Sounds good. When can I start?"

"Meds will be handed out at noon. You can start then."

"Cool."

"Now about your therapy. I want you to talk to Tanya today. You can tell her anything; she's not judgmental in the least and she can really help you with everything that's been going on with your life."

"Fine."

"Great! I'll let her know you're ready and she'll see you soon. Now, let's get you on your way to groups."

I smiled a fake smile and stood when he did. He put his arm around my shoulder and led me to the common room again. Tanya was already there, and they had already started without me. I sat a little removed from the group in a chair that was hard and quite uncomfortable. Tanya asked me if I wanted one of the more comfortable chairs closer to the semicircle that my inmates formed. I just shook my head sullenly. She shrugged and kept talking.

Everyone poured their hearts out during the session. I remained silent, not wanting to share anything with a bunch of strangers. My throat was still sore anyway. Tanya was quite good at making them all disclose information that the probably wouldn't have shared otherwise. Her gentle questions probed the sensitive subjects, especially when it came to Rosalie and her past. She really made all of them feel comfortable. Safe. Un-judged. Even I started to warm up to her and found myself wanting to tell her all of my darkest secrets, my most painful memories. I kept to myself though, listening to everyone else's stories and trying to make sense of it all.

Before I knew it, a chime sounded, signaling the end of our session. There were no tears this time, but we all were relieved that the hard part was over. Tanya informed me that we would have a sit-down after she logged all her notes; until then, my time was my own and she encouraged me to talk to the other patients, make friends, and be happy. There was no way I could be happy though. I'd lost everything I cared about over the past two weeks. Nothing would be the same.

I decided to try though. I was far removed from the stresses of the real world, so I may as well try to forget.

Alice and Jasper were sitting at the table, coloring in children's books. I sat down next to Alice and grabbed a book with puppies in it. Alice was jabbering away, carefully coloring in a sea life scene. The blues and greens were blended together nicely, making for quite the nice drawing. That one would definitely end up on the fridge. I giggled a little to myself and started filling in my own pages. Slowly, the stark white Labrador turned into a soft mix of brown and tan. I made his eyes green. The more I colored, the calmer I felt. It was a soothing exercise; no pressure, no worries, just the simple act of coloring in the lines. When I was done, I signed the page with my name and date, leaving it in the book for the next crazy person to find.

Alice peered over my arm to see my work.

"Oh my gosh, that's adorable!" she exclaimed. "Super cute!"

"Thanks. Yours is really good too."

"_Meh_. Not my best work, but hey, what can you expect with a tub of broken crayons, right? I'm just glad no one has eaten them yet."

We laughed together. Making light of our situation made things a little easier, and I began to relax. I colored in a pony book next, making it look more like a unicorn than a little Shetland.

Tanya called my name, but I was reluctant to leave my picture half finished.

"Don't worry," Alice said, "I won't let anyone else color in your book." The girl winked at me and a genuine smile spread across my lips. I left the table and followed Tanya into her office.

The woman's office was plush, filled with over-sized furniture, cushy wing backed chairs, and a large mahogany desk cluttered with papers. A couch sat the far corner of the room; it looked like the classic couch I'd seen in every movie involving therapy. Not the most comfortable looking thing, but I didn't think I'd be on it any time soon. Books lined the walls in heavy wooden bookcases. I was surprised to see that not all of them were psychology. She had a full shelf dedicated to the occult, another to fiction novels.

Tanya asked me to sit, so I took a position in the biggest chair in the room. I pulled my knees to my chest, almost as if I could protect myself from her interrogation. She took the chair directly across from me, holding a pad of paper on her lap and a pen in her left hand.

"Well. Where do you want to begin?" She smiled and readied her pen to take down every word I said.

"Shouldn't _you _start? I've never done this before."

"I usually ask the patient what's on their mind so I have a good starting point. So, what's on your mind? How do you feel today?"

Her approach bothered me a little. After all, wasn't she supposed to ask me about my mother and find out if I had daddy issues? I couldn't understand why she wanted to know about today unless she knew that Jake abandoned me.

"Uh, okay I guess. My boyfriend left me until I can get my shit together. I'm tired of being here and I want to go home. And the food is mediocre at best." I sighed, feeling a little better to have dumped all that out. She hadn't said anything back to me, or helped me analyze my feelings yet, but damn, it felt good anyway.

"So then you're not really okay at all." She was smiling, but it was more sympathetic than anything else.

"No, I guess not. But I want to be okay. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be crazy and emotional and all over the place. I've lost everything and I don't think I can get it back. Jake meant the world to me and I flushed him down the toilet. He's given up on me, just like everyone else."

"Who else has given up on you?"

"My dad. My friends. Everyone who has ever mattered."

"I see. Do you think it could be more that you pushed them away than them just giving up on you?"

I thought about that for a minute. They all started to leave me at the same time, about three weeks ago. But was it something I did? I doubted it.

"No," I said firmly, "they just left. No rhyme or reason." Yes, that had to have been it. There was no way I'd have pushed away _everyone _in my life. Your lover is supposed to stand by you no matter what, not just abandon you at the first sign of trouble. And my father...a father's love should be unconditional, but he had only seen me once since I'd been here, and that was for the makeshift intervention meeting. No, I didn't push them away; they pushed _me_ away.

"I can absolutely see where you're coming from. Things were quite stressful for you for a long time, the pressure was getting to you, and everyone seemed to stop caring all at the same time." There was that sympathetic smile again. It was comforting. It felt like she really did know what I was going through.

"Exactly." I was feeling more confident in myself, so I went on. "I was going through the hardest time of my life and no one would so much as give one hot damn about anything I said. I finally had to hole up at my dad's place, but even he wouldn't talk to me."

"Then what did you do?"

"I decided to live my life how I wanted to live it. I hung out at the only bar in town, meeting new friends. I started drinking. It numbed the pain and let me sleep. I couldn't sleep without it for a long time. When I woke up, I'd have to take my anxiety meds until I could start drinking again. No matter what, though, I was living how I wanted and not the way everyone else wanted me to."

Tanya nodded, writing furiously. I wondered if she was literally writing everything I said or if she was just writing out her grocery list. She looked up and asked me to keep talking, to let it all out, as much as I wanted.

So I did. I told her about drinking until I blacked out. Waking up in strange places I didn't recognize, with a different guy every other night. I told her about crying myself to sleep when I couldn't get drunk enough to shake the pain. The words spewed out of my mouth with no filter; Dr. Cullen was right, it was easy to talk to Tanya without feeling judged.

When I finally stopped, I was breathing heavily and felt exhilarated. It was a wonderful feeling. Tanya put her notes face down on the table next to her. Her smile was no longer sympathetic, but triumphant, like she had accomplished something grand. I had no idea what it was, but I didn't care either. A huge weight had lifted off my chest.

Chimes sounded again, signaling lunch. Tanya gave me a big hug and led me to the elevators where everyone had gathered. Edward joined us this time and I scooted as close as I dared to him when we boarded the elevator. He had that adorable half smile, giving me hope that things weren't as bad as they seemed. During the ride down, Edward scooted close enough to me that I could feel his breath on the nape of my neck. I tried not to shiver but it felt too good. He edged even closer, pressing himself gently into my back. I prayed no one would notice as I pressed back into him. The elevator came to a stop and I all but jumped away from him so no one would suspect anything. Everyone seemed wrapped up in what they were doing and I was thankful.

Lunch was dull. The cafeteria food was bland; no amount of seasoning in the world could mask the blah flavor of the cardboard pizza or "lime" jello. I choked it down though. Esme was keeping an eye on everyone; I figured that a healthy appetite would work in my favor, even if I wanted to throw up after eating it all.

Finally, lunch was over and we were herded outside. This time, I was more engaged in conversation. Alice was easy to talk to, so we walked around the yard and shared a little about ourselves. A game of two-on-two basketball started; Rose and Emmett versus Jasper and Edward. Alice and I cheered them all on. I was impressed with Rose's skills. She could definitely hang with the men. Had I been playing, someone would have gotten hurt.

Chimes rang out again. Like Pavlov's dogs, we went to the door and waited patiently to be let in. I stood between Alice and Jasper, but I wanted to be closer to Edward. When the door was opened, I let Jasper slide by me, pretending that I had something in my sock.

When I straightened myself, I found myself face to face with Edward. In a gentlemanly fashion, he held the door for me, smiling. I blushed, my usual reaction to anything. I didn't mind so much this time though. Edward's eyes brightened and took on a mischievous glint, making me wonder what he was thinking. I brushed past him, letting my shoulder ever so gently run across his chest. He smiled, not crookedly this time, but a full blown 100 watt grin.

Now I _knew_ what he was thinking. And in spite of everything that had happened in the past few weeks, I was thinking the same thing. Trapped here for God knows how long, endless, boring hours of tedium, group therapy sessions that left me weary and drained... I began to think that it was all worth it to meet this man in Elmo pajama pants.

Very worth it indeed.

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**Leave me reviews please! **

**R 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, my dears, it's been a LOOOONG ass time since I've updated and I apologize. We've had to deal with a lot of shit here that, if I listed it out, would end up doubling the chapter. Just go with "Holy crap, she updated this story! It's a miracle!". I will say that with my husband traveling more, I'll have more time to write!**

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"Bella, it's your turn." Alice smiled at me devilishly, waiting for my answer.

"Seriously? Are we in a looney bin or at a sleep over?" I shifted somewhat anxiously in my chair. I was never very good at Truth or Dare as a kid. When I chose Truth, I was asked something terribly embarrassing and it haunted me for weeks. When I chose Dare, I ended up _doing _something terribly embarrassing that haunted me for weeks. Well, the dare was harmless enough, but with my lack of grace and poor relationship with gravity, it never ended well.

"Just pick one!" Rose nudged me with her foot impatiently. She was on the floor, leaning against Emmett's leg. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought they were attached.

"Fine," I all but huffed. "Dare. But be kind. I'm here for a reason." I gave Alice a pointed look. Ignoring me, she crouched down and started conferring with Rose. _Now _I was nervous. Rosalie unsettled me for some reason. She glared at me sometimes, when she thought I wasn't looking or couldn't see her from the corner of my eye. Her voice was sometimes clipped and her sentences short with me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had the feeling that she just didn't like me.

"Okay! Here we go, Bella. We dare you to spend five minutes in the game closet with the guy of your choice." Alice was beaming.

"Hey," Rose cried, "you told me with Edward, not 'guy of her choice'. What if she picks Emmett?"

"Whoa, I'm not going to pick Emmett! That's all you." I said, trying to diffuse the situation. Then I realized that they actually wanted me to hook up with Edward in the game closet. Kind of hot, but also kind of sick. What the hell?

"Ugh. You win. Bella, we dare you to spend five minutes in the game closet with Edward. Geez."

"Well, what if Edward's not okay with it? And what if we get caught?" There were hardcore rules in place if you were caught doing anything other than G-rated activities. It would really suck if we were separated because of a stupid game I didn't want to play in the first place.

"Edward's fine with it." A familiar voice breathed across the back of my neck. "And everyone is busy getting evening meds ready. No one will be in here for a bit." Edward slid into the seat next to me and smirked.

I didn't need any more convincing than that.

"Fine, I'll do your stupid dare," I said, trying to be nonchalant as my heart started pounding out of my chest. I stood and walked to the closet door, amazed at my ability to breathe, walk, and think about touching him all at the same time. I looked back over my shoulder to where Edward was still sitting, raised an eyebrow, and tapped my foot. He grinned and followed me, earning a double thumbs-up from Emmett while Rose and Alice exchanged knowing nods.

0o0o0o0

The closet was about the size of a small pantry, filled to the brim with games and craft supplies. I leaned against the far shelves so Edward could close the door, and then it became almost completely dark. I jumped when I felt Edward take my hand. He chuckled.

"I just want to make sure I don't lose you in here. You never know where the next Narnia might be."

"That sounds like a pretty flimsy excuse Mr. Cullen. I think you just want to touch me, and that's the only socially acceptable way," I teased. He pulled me closer and took my other hand. I loved being this close to him, but it still wasn't close enough. One of us was going to have to be bold. I didn't want it to be me. Only loose girls played that way. I was sure I could outlast him.

"No excuse at all, Miss Swan. Scout's honor."

"Well, thank you for protecting my virtue."

"Never said I was protecting it," he said, letting go of my hands and wrapping his arms around me. He brought his lips close to my ear and whispered, "I'm just going to keep it for myself." He caught my earlobe in his teeth and tugged.

I suddenly forgot how to breathe, think, speak, or do anything other than feel what that man was doing to me. His mouth moved down my neck slowly, his tongue taking time to touch each spot he kissed. Once I realized I could be touching him as well, I shyly drifted my hands over his back and ran my fingers up and down his spine. He shivered with what I hoped was pleasure and pulled his face away from my neck.

"I know you can do better than that, babe."

I was offended. Better than what? Better than being shut in a closet against my will with an almost complete stranger to hopefully make-out for a few minutes?

"Really? And just how do you know that?"

"I don't. I'm just guessing. But I bet you can try," he said, slyly. He ran his hand across my back, under my shirt. His forehead pressed against mine. I could have absolutely kissed him.

He saved me the trouble, though, by kissing me first.. Initially, it was soft. A feather's touch across the lips, just to let me know that he was there. I brought my hands up to hair and ran my fingers through it. I figured no one would notice it being a little messier than before we came in. I felt him smile against my lips, then he kissed me deeper, pulling me tight to his body. Every muscle in his body was lean and hard, and I couldn't help but melt into him. Why deny myself something I wanted for so long? There was no reason for it. When he pulled away to take a breath, I started kissing other parts of his face. I trailed kisses from the corner of his lips to his jaw, and then down his jaw line to that one special spot that every man has behind the ear. I gave it a little lick then playful nibble. He shuddered and jerked his head back.

"Oh, honey, you just started a war," he said darkly.

With that, his hands were everywhere. His mouth found mine, our tongues locked in a war for dominance. I ran my hands down his back, feeling the ridges and swells of the sinews and muscles as he moved against me. He slid his hand up my shirt, palming my breast through my thin cotton bra. Things were getting real, and it was my turn to step it up a notch. Shifting my position, I leaned back against the wall and straddled him. He smiled again, pinching my nipple. I gasped, pushing my hips towards him. His cock was straining at his shorts, and I could feel his size easily through the fabric. Needless to say, I approved.

Our time together was growing short, so I decided it was time to go big or go home. Since I couldn't go home, it was time to just go big. Breaking his hold on me, I pushed him up against the opposite wall. Slowly, I dragged my nails down his chest, and he whispered an almost inaudible "Oh hell yes" as I lowered myself to my knees.

"You don't have to do this you know," he said.

"Just pull 'em down," I commanded. He didn't hesitate, his waistband dropping to his knees before I could blink. Even in the near pitch black, I could see that his member was massive. I began to have doubts about fitting it all in, but I had come this far and it would be rude not to go all the way. I wet my lips and prepared for the long haul.

I gently gripped him one hand and started stroking. His hums let me know that I was doing it right, so I felt confident enough to keep going. I used my tongue to trace the head, licking the precum off of the tip. Taking a deep breath, I went for it, taking as much of him as I could in my mouth. As I took him in, I used my tongue to massage and work the shaft. He grunted his approval. I went faster, using my hand for an extra boost. I'd never had a problem giving head before, but I knew someone would be in there any second, and I didn't want to have a dick in my mouth when they opened that door.

Edward grabbed a handful of my hair and started pushing my head onto his cock faster. My teeth snagged him two, three, four times, but it just made him go harder. I gagged and tried to push away but couldn't. He was too far gone, so I just let it happen. I felt the tell-tale twitching, and he held me in place. His cum hit the back of my throat, forcing me to swallow. When he was done, he loosened his grip on my hair. I rested my face against his thigh and he stroked my cheek.

"Thank you so much," he said quietly. "It's been so long since anyone's done that for me. You're absolutely amazing." I couldn't help smiling.

"Anything for you, Mr. Cullen." I stood. He fixed his shorts then pulled me in for a hug. It felt good to be needed. Great, in fact. To not be someone's burden, to not be a stain in their life's undies. He appreciated me. And it was good.

Suddenly the door burst open, and we jumped back, knocking things off the shelves.

"Surprise! So how'd it go?" It was Alice, in all of her excitable glory. She took a good look at us. "Shit, how the hell did you end up covered in glitter?"

I looked down. In our haste to get away from each other so as not to get caught with our pants down, so to speak, we ended up taking out half of the art supplies. Namely, the glitter that had not been closed all the way at its last use and was now covering Edward head to toe. He looked like a five year old's craft project. I started laughing until he glared and charged me. I pushed Alice into him and ran out of the closet.

In the main room, the usual suspects were watching the drama unfold. I saw Emmett and was pretty sure I could get behind him before Edward caught up to me. I launched myself over a beanbag and landed in a somewhat graceful way without busting my ass. I grabbed Emmett's arm and cowered behind him, shamelessly using him as a human shield.

Edward wasn't that far behind me though, and he was quick. Emmett wasn't able to keep me safe for long. I tried to run out from behind him but tripped over Rosalie and landed on her. Edward took that opportunity to pin us both down and shake his excess glitter onto us. Rose protested, but she was laughing just as hard as everyone else. Emmett finally ripped Edward off of us, but ended up getting himself covered in glitter too.

Someone cleared their throat, and we all froze.

"Are we having fun? Or should I say, are we having fun that is _allowed_?" Esme asked sternly. She gave us all that _look_ that all mothers have, the one that says "I'll know if you're lying, so you'd better straighten up".There's no arguing with that look. No need.

"Time for meds, guys. Line up. Ladies first, if you please." We got in line as we were told. She gave us a once over and raised an eyebrow. "How the hell did you all end up covered in glitter? Do I need to lock that closet?"

"No!" We all said, maybe a little too loudly.

She gave us another _Look_, then we moved on. I took a glance back in line to see if Edward was looking at me.

A flash of green eyes and a half smile was my reward.

Worth it.

O0O0O0O

Day eight came, and it was the hardest. One by one, everyone had been released. Rosalie first on my fourth day. Alice and Emmett on day five. Then Edward on day six. Then Jasper on day seven.

Telling Edward goodbye had been hard. We were being watched every second of the day, no sneaking off to the closet or even getting close during an intimate coloring session. I watched him pack up his things, bantering with him and trying to stay upbeat despite the fact that I was so miserable. When it was time for him to go home with Esme, I was allowed to give him a _very_ quick hug. His lips brushed my neck, making me shiver. We lingered a second longer than we should have, and Esme nudged him along. As he got on the elevator, my heart broke. I was glad it was time for meds; I asked for something to help me sleep.

Needless to say, by day eight I was tired. Tired of therapy, tired of meds, tired of being isolated from the real world. It wasn't fair. The walls that were supposed to make me feel soothed and at home were suffocating me. If I had to take one more push-button shower, or color one more picture, or put together one more puzzle I would have gone nuts.

At my daily one-on-one with Dr. Cullen, I decided to bring it up. I figured it couldn't hurt to ask to go home. I just wanted out.

"So, Bella, how are you feeling today?" He always opened with the same questions. As he leaned back in his over-stuffed leather chair, he uncapped his pen, readying himself to take notes. He had been taking a lot more notes on me lately.

"I'm okay I guess."

"Just okay?" He wrote on his little pad. That irritated me and I didn't know why.

"Yeah. I guess I'm just..I'm getting homesick. Not the homesick I was when I first got here. The real kind. The kind where it's been fun to be on vacation, but you want to go back to your real life now." I hope I sounded sane. The last thing I wanted was to make it worse for myself.

"I see. And do you feel like this is what your stay here has been for you? And that it's a place to relax and recharge your batteries, a place where you can get better without hurting yourself?"

"That's exactly it! It's like that. But I'm just kind of done with it now. I want to go home. I want to see my dad more than an hour a day. I want to go grocery shopping. All the normal things I took for granted before."

"Do you think you're ready to do those things?"

"I think it's worth a shot. I know I have people to call if I need help." Specifically one person...

"I'll talk to Tanya about it, but with the progress you've made with your medication and therapy, we can probably get you out of here soon."

"Thanks, Doc."

"But, Bella, I will have to warn you. When you're outside of here, you'll want to stay away from my son."

"How did you even know?"

"I've been working here a long time, dear, and if you think you're the first pair to sneak off into that closet, you're sadly mistaken." He smiled when I blushed. "At any rate, you are too good for him. He has what we'll very politely call _a past_. Promise me you'll respect yourself more than that. You have great things coming your way. I'd hate to see my sonhinder your progress and healing. Promise?"

I was dumbfounded. How was I suppose to respond to that?

I nodded my head slowly.

"That's a good girl. I'll go have a chat with Tanya. I'm sure you and Esme can find something to do, yes?"

"Yeah, we can find something. Thanks."

I left the room, but avoided the nurses' station on the way out, choosing instead to go straight to my room. I wanted to be alone while I reflected on what the good doctor told me.

My room felt more empty than usual. It was probably the knowledge that no one was going to be there in the doorway, peeking their head in to talk to me. No Alice to ask a random question or beg me to play a board game. No Emmett to tell me a dirty joke. No Rose to give a courtesy hello. And no Edward to sneak a glance, a smile, or a kiss.

I stretched out on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I wanted to know what Carlisle was talking about. The Edward I knew wasn't anything like what he had implied. He was a little rough when I went down on him in the closet, sure, but that wasn't anything worth noting. Some guys were just like that. I didn't mind. It did make me curious. I wondered if I should ask around once I got out. I had Alice's number, even though they frowned upon any of us exchanging contact information. With so many people with deviant and depressive behavior, they were afraid that meeting up "on the outside" would turn out badly. In the end, they couldn't stop us though. We were adults. Damaged adults, but adults.

A knock on the door frame interrupted my thoughts. Standing there was Tanya, all business in a tan button-up blouse and dark brown slacks. She held a clipboard much like the one I always saw Carlisle with, and it looked like it held his notes as well as hers. I sat up, swung my legs over the edge of the bed, and started to get up.

"No, no, sit, it's okay. We can stay in here if you'd like," she said, smiling and stepping into the room. She sat next to me on the bed, discretely angling the papers away from me. "I just have a few questions for you. I'm about to do an intake, so we won't be able to have our one-on-one session today."

"An intake? Like, another patient?"

"Yes. Two actually. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here for _you_. Dr. Cullen says you're ready to leave. Have you given any thought to what you're going to do when you get out there?"

She made "out there" sound like a foreign land filled with death and peril, not Forks, where the biggest danger was tripping on your own two feet.

"I figured I would just stay with my dad until things started coming back together. I know I missed a lot of school, but I'm sure that I can pick it up next semester and start back on the right path. Until then, I dunno. I'll figure it out. My dad will help me." It sounded good anyway.

"Is that what you want to do?" She stared at me, searching my face for any sign of falsehood. I held strong. It was a good plan. It sounded good anyway.

"Yes, it's absolutely what I want to do." That was the truth. It sounded perfect, doable, like I could just climb pack into my old life as easily as slipping into a hot bath.

"Then as long as I give your dad a call and we can arrange transport home for you, there's no reason you can't go home now. You've made huge strides here."

"_Awesome_!" I shouted, then proceeded to dance around the room. I was so fucking ready to leave.

"There are a few conditions though."

My dancing halted. My dream of going home started dissolving around me. Once I was out, I was out. There was nothing else they could do to me, right?

"If we let you go now, you must continue on your medication. You must keep your appointments with your doctor on the outside. And you must attend some sort of therapy for a few months."

"Okay, I get the first two, but why the hell do I have to go to therapy? That seems like bullshit!"

"It was Carlisle's idea, many years ago. He started a therapy group for former inpatients and found that those who went to therapy had a much lower relapse rate. So now, before you leave here, he has you sign a document that says you promise to attend therapy or the next time you end up in here you lose the right to decide when you go home and it becomes entirely our decision."

"Wait, what do you mean 'lose the right to decide'? I thought you guys told all of us when we get to go home." Confusion set in. If I could have gone home at any time, why didn't anyone tell me that? Why the hell did they keep me here?

"Involuntary patients have a mandatory seven day stay before they're evaluated for release. You've technically been here for nine days, if you include the ones you weren't conscious for. Now that you meet the conditions for release, there's no reason to keep you, unless you suddenly become belligerent or violent." She smiled, writing on her clipboard. "I don't think that's going to happen though. So. Are you ready to go home, Bella?"

"Fuck, yes, I am."

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**Please leave me love! Also, if you have song suggestions for the chapters, let me know! I'm going to add them to future chapters, but I don't have any for these. Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Soooo... I know it's been awhile. I went through a nasty divorce and it took some time adjusting to the single-parent lifestyle, but I now have a good routine down, things are going well, and most importantly, I have time to WRITE again! Forgive the length of this chapter. It had to end where it did.**

* * *

My bag was packed up and I was ready to go. One of the nurses was going over the discharge paperwork with me in front of the elevator, putting my prescriptions in a folder along with instructions and follow-up appointments, but I wasn't paying attention. All I could think about was my dad's car idling just outside, waiting to take me home. I was relieved that he came alone; I knew I wasn't strong enough to be around Jacob yet. Being out in the real world after almost two weeks in social deprivation would be plenty of shock for me.

Something touched my shoulder and I jumped. Dr. Cullen smiled and shook his head.

"Would you like me to walk you out?"

"Sure. Thanks." The nurse handed me my folder. Dr. Cullen took my bag and we headed out.

As soon as he saw us, my dad leaped out of the car and gave me a hug. It was a bit awkward; we had never been close before, much less affectionate. Still, the effort was there, and it meant a lot to know that he actually cared and missed me, even if he never really appreciated me before.

We said goodbye, and I took my place in the front passenger seat as I had so many times before. I watched the city pass by as we drove. Everything was so familiar, but seemed so alien after being completely removed from society. I had lived in the city for years, but I felt like I could get lost all over again.

Charlie seemed to know I needed time to process things. He was quiet, even for him. I knew he had questions, things he wanted to say, but he sat there staring straight ahead and minding his own. I was thankful for that. Once we were out of the city, I decided to open a line of conversation to let him know I was ready.

"So, uh, thanks. For coming to get me I mean." I smiled as much as I could muster in the uncomfortable circumstances.

"Of course, Bells. I love you. You're my daughter. I'd do anything for you." His tone was level and he kept his eyes on the road, but I could have sworn I saw a little extra moisture in them. I wasn't sure if I should feel loved or like the most horrible person in the world. I decided to make that decision later.

"I love you too, Dad. And I'm sorry for making you worry about me."

That did it. His chest hitched as he took a double breath, and he pulled over on the side of the road, slamming the car in park. Putting his head on the steering wheel, he started crying a man's cry, a father's cry. Head bowed, heavy tears, silent except for his breathing, I watched the man who had never shown any emotion for anything other than excitement at baseball games fall apart at a single sentence.

I really was the most horrible human being in the world.

When he pulled himself together, he got back on the road without saying a word. The rest of the drive was uncomfortable. Just like our relationship up to that point.

O0O0O0O0O

When we got home, I grabbed my bag and shot up the stairs to my room. I had no desire to spend another second with someone who probably resented the fact that I was slowly ruining his life again.

I popped my door open to find that my room was spotless. This was both sweet and terrifying. It was great to know that he thought that I would like to come home to a nice clean room. On the other hand, I had _no idea _what he found in here. I spent a good chunk of time blacked out or high, even _I _didn't know half of what I brought home. Not sober anyway. I'm sure drunk-me knew where everything was, and I'm even more sure most of it was stuff I could be arrested for. The only way to know for sure is to hunt for it I guess.

I started with my little white vanity. It had all sorts of hidden drawers in it. I remember being younger, so much younger, and hiding the little love notes Jake wrote me in them so I could find them the next summer. Ah, how fast the innocence of youth is lost, especially when drugs are involved.

The top drawer held nothing but a few papers and a pen. Same for the left side, just papers, a book, and some opened letters. The right side normal drawer was empty. I lifted the false bottom and found a note in my father's handwriting.

_Bella,_

_Jake and Sam helped me toss your room. It's for your own good._

_Dad_

I was incredulous. He hadn't come in out of the goodness of his heart after all. He came in looking for drugs, and if that wasn't bad enough he did it with my ex-boyfriend and his best friend. That's just great. I could only imagine what they found.

I made a mental note to ask Tanya if there was a way to retrieve memories that I lost while I was out of it, or if they were just gone forever. With that thought, I pulled out my folder and sat on the bed. Most of the papers were pointless "This is the kind of crazy you are, these are your symptoms, yadayadayada" crap. It seemed silly to include those; I knew my symptoms! I was experiencing them! I finally got to the appointment page and entered them into my phone. I had a therapy appointment the next day with Tanya, and and outpatient group therapy appointment in two days.

With a sigh of defeat, I plopped down on my bed with the bag of prescriptions. An antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and an antianxiety, but nothing good. Nothing I could get high on, or low for that matter. I set the pill bottles in a neat little row on my bedside table, noting the times I needed to take them. Two before bed, two in the morning, one as needed.

I set about unpacking my bag. All of my clothes either smelled like the hospital or Jake. I decided to toss them all in the dirty laundry. I pulled out the artwork I had made. I was a damn good colorer, never once straying outside the lines. Shuffling through the papers, I found the cute "Lady and the Tramp" drawing Edward had given me. That one went on the wall, along with the graffitti-esque "BFF" sign Alice made me. That girl was a trip and a half.

While I was pinning up the crazy-art, I heard my phone's text tone. My first instinct was to ignore it. No human contact for me, please and thank you. Curiosity won out over my hesitation, so I checked it. A number I didn't recognize sent a cryptic "Hey, what are you up to?"

"Uh, who IS this?" I responded. While it wasn't unusual for me to get texts from random numbers, my little vacation had been big news in town, so I hadn't heard from anyone in awhile.

"It's me."

"Who the hell is Me?"

"No, it's who the hell am I. If you don't know who YOU are, your problems are worse than I thought!"

Ah. A smartass. Must be Edward.

"And how are you doing, Edward?"

"I'm doing well, but you still haven't answered my question."

"What question?"

"What are you up to?"

"Unpacking. Just got home."

"Look outside."

I jumped up and ran to my window. I scanned the yard, looking for something out of the ordinary, half expecting to see Edward. Nothing.

"WTF? There's nothing there. I thought you'd be standing there holding a bombox over your head or something."

"Of course not. I'm not a stalker. If I just showed up on your lawn, that would be creepy as hell."

"So why'd you make me look outside?"

"To see if you would :P"

"Ass."

"Want to go for a walk?"

"Absolutely."

I sent him my address then rushed to get ready. It was a gray day, a little chilly, but I decided to wear shorts to show off my long, albeit pasty, legs. I mulled over ways to tell Charlie that I was heading out. He might not like me being off on my own so soon after being released, but I was a legal adult. I decided to say something as I walked out the door. If he did get mad, I wouldn't be there for it. I laced up my sneakers, grabbed my coat, and went downstairs.

As I turned the corner into the living room, I ran smack into Jake. I was so wrapped up in texting Edward, I hadn't heard his car pull up. Flustered, I tried to push past him, but his hulking frame took up most of the hallway. He mistook my attempt to flee as walking into a hug, so he wrapped his arms around me, lifting me off the ground. I resisted, but all for naught. Once caught in a Jake hug, it was best just to let it run its course. When he put me down, he saw my shoes and jacket.

"How'd you know I was coming?"

"Uh, I didn't. I was just heading out for a walk. By myself."

"Oh. I thought maybe you'd want to talk about things, since, you know..." he trailed off. I knew what he wanted to say. Since I left and lost my mind. Talking to him about my stay and state of mind before I left him was exactly the last thing I wanted to do, right after having bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails.

"I think I need a little more time. To get my thoughts in a row, do this therapy thing, you understand, right?"

"Yeah! Yeah, of course. I don't want to rush you or anything. I just wanted to see you, make sure you were okay." He leaned in for a kiss. I turned so he only got my cheek. Looking dejected, he backed off, leaving me just enough room to squeeze by. I took the opening and started for the door. Much to my surprise, he followed me.

"Jake, I need time. Quiet time. Me time."

"I totally respect that, but I told Charlie I'd stay with you while he ran to the station."

Ugh. Of course. Leave it to Charlie to ruin everything. I quickly came up with a plan.

"Fine. No problem. I'm going to go ahead and go back to my room then." I smiled weakly, hoping he would think he'd won.

"Okay. Want me to come with?" His eyes pleaded with me, begging me to say yes.

"No. I'll be okay." I brushed past him and ran up the stairs. I closed my door gently, clicking the lock as softly as I could manage. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent off a text letting Edward know the new plan. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I saw a silver Volvo pull up across the street. Not waiting another second, I opened my window, popped off the screen, and stepped out onto the roof. Slowly, carefully, I shimmied to the drain pipe and slid down, fireman style. I hit the ground running, checking the street before darting across and hopping into the front seat. Edward gave me his cocky half smile and pealed out. In the rearview mirror I saw Jake running out of the house, arms waving and face twisted with rage.

Oh well.

0O0O0O0O0

Our ride was quiet, both of us waiting to see who would make the first move. Edward kept his eyes on the road, only occasionally glancing over to peek at me. I was nervous, fiddling with my hands and a loose string on my shorts, trying not to seem uncomfortable. I didn't want him to think I was having second thoughts. I was dying for him to say something, anything, to break the silence. After five minutes, I'd had enough and decided to speak up.

"So, uh, thanks for picking me up," I said. My voice shook a little and I hoped he hadn't noticed.

"No problem. Who was the huge, pissed off dude running after us?"

"Him? That's just Jake. He's harmless."

"Your brother?"

"What? No! He's my ex. We had been together forever but we broke up right before..." I trailed off, not finishing the sentence because I knew I wouldn't be able to without choking up.

"Before what? Your breakdown? It's nothing to be ashamed of, Bella. It happens to the best of people." He turned and smiled at me. I found it to be too much, so I dropped my eyes to my hands, continuing to mess with that pesky string.

In truth, I was ashamed of what happened. Good girls don't go on benders, they don't sleep around, and they certainly don't try to off themselves.

"Hey." He pulled over, put the car in park, and took my hands in his. "The important part is that you made it. And you met me, so, really, you're winning at life." His face searched mine for a response. I couldn't help but smile. He beamed back and leaned in for a kiss. It was gentle, our lips meeting softly, tongues slipping out the tiniest bit to sneak a taste. Edward's hand let go of mine and moved up my arm, shoulder, neck, before he ran his fingers into my hair. He met resistance in my pony tail, so I took out the rubber band and shook down my hair. It fell to my shoulders in thick chestnut waves, half covering my face. Edward took the opportunity to brush it back away from my cheek, tucking it behind my ear.

"Beautiful," he whispered before kissing me again. His tongue pushed past my lips and I shivered at his insistence, his desire. Before I had the chance to kiss him back, he pulled away, leaving me wanting. He unbuckled his seatbelt, turned off the car, and got out. I was shocked and more than a little confused. He went to the back of the car and opened the trunk, pulling out a blanket before closing it again. Suddenly he was at my door, holding it open for me. Quick as I could, I unbuckled and got out. I wasn't sure what we were doing, but whatever it was I was down. No more thinking about Jake or my dad or anything else. I was seizing the moment.

Wordlessly, Edward took my hand and led me down a trail that was hidden from the road. Thick blackberry bushes grew as tall as trees, their thorns scratching my bare legs as we walked through the woods. I heard scampering in the underbrush that made me uneasy, but Edward squeezed my hand reassuringly. His touch chased away the feelings of anxiety and unease that had started growing again, and for that I was thankful.

We stopped at the edge of a small clearing, not quite big enough to be considered a meadow. Edward let go of my hand and laid out the blanket. When it was smoothed out to his satisfaction, he sprawled out, looking as gorgeous and sexy as ever. He motioned for me to join him so I carefully sat on the corner of the blanket.

"Now that won't do," he declared before pulling me down next to him. The sun started peeking through the clouds, bright and warm. I was right to wear shorts. I stretched out, trying to get as much of my skin exposed as possible without getting completely naked. Bunching up my jacket, I made a makeshift pillow and propped up my head so I could get a better view of the man next to me.

The sun accentuated the red and copper in his hair, making him look much more ginger than the harsh fluorescent lights of the hospital did. His eyes were the same intense green, and I watched as they looked me over. I couldn't help but feel a bit self-conscious as he took me in. I thought about all my flaws, and suddenly remembered that I hadn't shaved in weeks. Maybe shorts weren't such a great idea.

When he had finished giving me a once-over, he trailed his fingers across my cheek and pulled me in for a kiss. Without seatbelts and a center console in the way, I was able to press myself into him, feeling his warmth against my body. His hand moved from my cheek to my side, then from my side to my hip. His tongue danced across my lips and I shivered a delicious shiver. He smiled mid-kiss; he approved of his effect on me. I let him snake his hand around to my butt, delighting in the squeeze he gave me. I was still hesitant to touch him, afraid that it might break whatever spell had befallen him, but I decided to tentatively run my hand down his back, mirroring his motions.

"Bella," he whispered, his voice filled with desire, "Touch me."

I couldn't say no to that. I longed to feel his hardness again, ached with the need to have him inside me. Unbuckling his belt and undoing his fly, I worked my hand down the front of his jeans. He was already throbbing, in no need of my assistance to get him hard. As I wrapped my fingers around his member, he groaned with pleasure. As I slowly began pumping him with my hand, he opened my shorts and found my center. He rubbed slow circles over my clit, making me squirm and moan while he kissed me. He began moving faster. I matched my strokes to his speed, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep going without feeling him inside me.

As though he read my mind, he took his hand out of my shorts, ripped them off me, and took off his as well. He took his position over me then thrust in with all his might. It hurt. His dick was huge and I wasn't as ready for it as I thought. I started to say something but he clamped his hand over my mouth. It confused me, but I went with it, mostly because the pain was beginning to fade. No need to rock the boat there.

I felt every ridge, every vein of his cock slide in and out of me. My pleasure began building. I wrapped my legs around his waist and matched his thrusts. Faster and faster, he plunged deep into me. My stomach tightened, my toes curled, and I was right on the verge of orgasm when he lost himself inside me. Feeling his pleasure fill me pushed me over the edge. I bucked and writhed under him, letting myself go completely as he finished thrusting. He rolled over, leaving me breathless in more ways than one.

We stayed that way for awhile, basking in the afterglow. I heard more rustling in the bushes. Those poor animals got much more of a show than they bargained for. More crunching sounds came from near the trail. Whatever was over there was big, probably a deer or something. The noise got closer. Then I heard a familiar voice.

"Bella, what the FUCK?"

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**Chapter five will be up soon!**


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